Take Control! What Could You Do Differently?

A simple question with a big impact!

A few years ago, I used to write in a journal called “The Five Minute Journal”. It was a handy and powerful little journal which simply provided the space to write down what you were grateful for, what would make the day great, along with an affirmation. You’d write those in the morning as soon as you woke up. At the end of the day, you would write three “amazing things” that happened that day. After that, in the original journal, it asked, “what could I have done differently?” (I think the app version says, “what did I learn today?” I liked the original question, as it got me to think about something that could have been improved, and, if I were able to improve, or do something differently, I realized it would have impacted the rest of the entire day. Most times, when pondering this question, I realized the day would have been much, much happier and I would have been in a better space, maybe even more productive.

Sometimes we don’t like to ask ourselves questions like that, as we feel it’s a judgement on our actions. To ask “what could I have done differently?” could imply that something was “wrong” and needed to be “fixed.” On the contrary, I feel it helps us analyze and be aware of what we’re doing/saying throughout the day. It helps us take accountability for what we did or what we didn’t do. Seeing what could be done isn’t a judgement; it’s a way to improve and grow. If you’re a builder, and you are building a house, and you work all day, then look back and see a section of the floor that’s a bit crooked, you wouldn’t just say, “oh, I screwed that up, I’m a failure of a builder.” You’d most likely say, “oh, I better fix that! And, next time I will do that in such and such way so it won’t come out cooked.”

I bring all this up to say that the same can be done with your dreams! This is actually one of my favorite questions to ask when working with someone with their dream. I feel it gets the dreamer to really think about what happened, and how they could feel a sense of power and control in it versus feeling a victim. I even ask myself this question when working with my own dreams! Here’s an example of how this simple question helped me with a dream:

I had a longer dream with multiple parts, but for clarity’s sake, I’ll share the middle part. I’m with a friend in a grocery store and there’s a six or seven foot tall zombie standing there. He’s completely black – like coal black - with missing chunks of flesh, exposing black bones. He may have some kind of red cloth wrapped around him. I’m suddenly terrified of this ominous figure, even though he’s not doing anything threatening. My friend starts to talk to him, and I take off asap without a second thought! A few other things happened in that dream where I avoided or ran away from something.

When I worked with this dream, I had no idea who or what the zombie represented. I was just left with the feeling of being freaked out and afraid. I felt like I did the right thing initially by not engaging. But then, I thought- ah ha! I may have been missing something! So, I asked myself the question, “if I could go back into that dream, what would I have done differently?” The first thing that popped into my head, was to talk to the zombie dude! Not confront, or freak out…just…talk! Ask him how his day was going. Ask why he was there. I could have even asked why he was being so friendly…I remembered he offered us fruit while we were standing there. A clear and obvious open invitation that I was just not interested in!

I played this out in my mind. I stood there with my friend, and listened, and spoke to the zombie character. As I did, I gradually became less and less afraid. Eventually, it became natural. We saw each other eye to eye (even though I was two feet shorter!) No running away required! In doing this, I got the message that I was able to “stand my ground” and be brave and face my fears! This of course, creates strength, and I instantly felt empowered! It would have taken less energy and time to just talk and not avoid and run away, continuing to be afraid of the unknown.

In another dream, a dog was relentlessly chasing me. I kept running away and kept getting annoyed. Over and over, I just kept running away as it was jumping on me. When I went back into that dream and asked the question, I realized I could have played with the dog! I visualized picking up a stick and throwing it and the dog happily fetching it. In the end, we were both happy- a win-win! Again, I would have spent way less energy just standing and throwing a stick versus running and pushing the dog off of me. This dog was alerting me to something I was avoiding. It also showed me how to be more free-flowing, and carefree. I think it was also a lesson in selfishness- that certain situations demand my attention and no matter what, I can’t run away from them.

I wouldn’t have gotten all of that if I didn’t go back into the dream and visualize a different outcome.

This technique doesn’t just apply to nightmares or frightening dreams, it could apply to any dream where you feel you were confused or lost, or unfulfilled. Next time you are in a dreamscape with unanswered questions, or you feel afraid, ask yourself, “what would I have done differently?” Then, visualize yourself carrying out whatever you’d do or say. Note how you feel. Then note the difference between that feeling and your initial feeling in the dream. The feeling you have going back into the dream will show you a way to be/feel in waking life.

Going back into the dream and playing out a different outcome can help you take control, have peace of mind, and best of all feel empowered!